Hearing His Voice

I have learned and experienced so much since Jim passed away last December. I want to take this opportunity to recount some of it so I don’t forget.

Much of what I lived through during Jim’s death and funeral was a blur, but I do remember the afternoon of the funeral. I was sitting on the couch in our great room with the worst feeling of dread that I had ever felt. I was in shock as I considered all that had just happened over the past week. I was given the news that Jim was gravely ill and had 3-5 days to live. I did my best to love him and care for him as he lay dying. I held his hand and watched him take his last breath. I made funeral arrangements and buried him. It was all so unbelievable and yet, this was my life unfolding before me.

All I could think while I was sitting on that couch was, “What am I going to do now? How are we going to ‘make it?’ and “I don’t want to do life alone!” I told Jim over and over that we would be okay. I assured my sons that we would be okay but that things would be different. I prayed that God would help us. But how would we do this now?

Later that day, Brad called me into the office. He told me he had just heard his Dad’s voice on a voicemail Jim left for Brad on his phone. He forgot he never erased it and had just listened to it and played it again for me to hear. It was bittersweet for him but I was a little envious. I realized I didn’t have Jim’s voice recorded anywhere, and I probably would never hear his voice again. The stabbing feeling of being all alone hit me again.

The next day, I continued to struggle with fear. I didn’t know how the bills would get paid. I didn’t know how I would make all the decisions for our home and family alone. I didn’t think I was smart enough to manage our finances, income tax preparation and other decisions that would need to be made. Would I need to sell the house and downsize right away? How would I be able to sell this house all by myself? What would I do the first time the car didn’t start? Who would I call when I needed help? How would we be able to pay for college for the boys? I wondered what Jim would want me to do. How would he encourage me if he were here? I wanted to talk to him and have him help me with everything I was faced with. But the dread returned as reality hit me in the face. I was alone. Jim was gone.

Then I remembered. I do have Jim’s voice recorded. Not only his voice but the entire video he did for church last March. I had gotten a copy of it from church and posted it on the blog. I just wanted to hear his voice again. I quickly got my computer and pulled up that video. “Fighting Fear.” Oh, how appropriate the title was. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the video and realized that Jim’s eyes were looking straight into mine and he was talking directly to me. How compassionate and loving is my heavenly Father to give me the answer to all my questions through my own husband's voice. This is what I heard: