Our Amazing God

When trials and difficulties come, we often think of Job. Job was someone who lost everything and was still faithful to God. I read the entire book of Job, probably for the first time, when we received the diagnosis of our youngest son, Kyle. I was about 4 months pregnant when we found out the baby I was carrying would have Down syndrome. At that time, I focused on the last chapter of Job where we are told that God blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.  For all the pain and grief I went through at that time, I always held onto the fact that Job received more blessing in the latter part of his life. I prayed that as I obeyed God, He would grant the same to me. 

In many ways, as I have gotten to know Kyle, I believe God has blessed more since Kyle was born. Kyle has taught me more about compassion and perseverance than what I would have understood without him. He has shown me that happiness and contentment do not depend on a high IQ, and he demonstrates God’s unconditional love. But, I have to be honest to say that life with Kyle is not always easy. He has many challenges, his biggest one being speech. Kyle has apraxia of speech, and while he is able to say a few words (most of them only recognizable by family members), he is not able to carry on a conversation.

When Jim died, I was given a book written by John Piper based on the book of Job. As I studied that book, a different verse stood out to me. It was Job 42:5. “My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You.” I’ve learned that as we go through difficult times and we lean on God for the very strength to put one foot in front of the other, He reveals Himself to us in a new and deeper way. I have experienced that very thing. My relationship with God is much more intimate than it ever has been.

Jim and I did not discuss what would happen if he died very often, mostly because I was uncomfortable with the conversation and wanted to hold on, with everything that was in me, to the plan of a bone marrow transplant and full remission. I think, in hindsight, Jim came to grips with the fact that he could very well die far before I ever did. I do remember a conversation we had one day last November when Jim was so very ill. I asked him if he thought he was going to die and if he was fearful at all. He told me he had no fear of dying. He knew his destination was heaven. But he was sad that the dreams we had planned for our life together would die along with him. Tears welled up in my eyes and I blurted out, “What would I do without you?”  I went on to tell him that the two older boys would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with Kyle.  Then I said, “And he doesn’t even talk!”

Jim did not say anything. He just looked at me with tears in his eyes.

Fast forward to today. Today was another day where I just haven’t been able to get moving. I have the whole day to myself to get caught up on things and accomplish whatever I put my mind to and I’m just stuck. I have spent far too much time on the computer waiting for the hours to tick by so I can go to bed and start over tomorrow. As I sit here the tears come again and the loneliness overtakes me. It is painful. Sometimes I miss Jim so much.

Then I hear something. It’s Kyle. And he is singing to a children’s video that he loves. For some reason, even though it's difficult for Kyle to talk, he is able to sing some things and he seems to be able to sing easier than he can talk. Today I listened to him sing loudly and freely, “Oh, the blood of Jesus; Oh, the blood of Jesus; Oh, the blood of Jesus; that washes white as snow.”  Then the music transitions to another song:  “God, you’re so good. God, you’re so good. God, you’re so good. You’re so good to me.” Words I needed to hear right that very minute from a little boy who, in spite of all his challenges, praises God with all that he is.

A. maz.ing.  How like God is it to speak to me through my son who can hardly talk.

Work

After Jim’s death, I was given many books on grief from some dear friends and family and I’ve read them all.  One thing that struck me was that, over and over again, the journey I am on was referred to as “grief work.” It was emphasized in each book that I need to do my “grief work” before healing can happen. I hate that. But it is so true. It is work!

Early on, my grief seemed to be something that overshadowed my life. I was sad all the time and cried every day. It was as if a black cloud hung over me and followed me everywhere. It was a sad, dark place to be. As the days went by, I found that I had good days and bad days. Evenings were hard but weekend were the hardest. I remember waking up on the weekend mornings with puffy eyes from crying all day the day before. 

Now, I’m experiencing what are called “grief bursts” or I’ve heard them referred to as “grief ambushes.”   That’s when I seem to be functioning okay but then something happens that triggers the pain and grief of losing Jim. It’s called an ambush because it sneaks up and attacks when you least expect it. And it’s really hard.

It was May 4^th and I was out running errands. I decided to take time to vote while I was out. I went through the line and gave them my driver’s license. The gentleman looked up my name and turned the book around for me to sign. And there on the page above my name was Jim’s name and a copy of his signature. My heart ached. I remembered all the times I voted and always saw Jim’s fresh signature next to the copy of his signature. It was always there because he always took time to vote first thing in the morning before he went to work. That day it was not there.  Because he is not here. My heart ached. I thought I should really tell them about his passing, but I just couldn't. I knew it would be the end of my day if I had to say those words out loud, “My husband died last December.” The pain would come and the tears would fall as they always do, and I would be exhausted from crying. It is hard work.

One day the phone rang and for a split second, I thought it was Jim. He would often call me to check in when he and I were apart. After a second, I came to my senses to realize it couldn’t be him. It's been five months! I took a deep breath and held it together so I could answer the phone. But the pain was there, even without the tears. And I ached.

Another day, as I was driving into my garage, I thought how unruly the bushes in the front of the garage had become.  Again, for that split second, I thought, “I need to tell Jim that he should trim those back this weekend.”  He always took care of those kinds of chores.  Now, they are all mine to take care of.  I hate that too.  I walked into the house and cried again missing Jim so much.  My oldest son began talking to me and then realized I was crying.  He put his arm around me and listened as I told him how painful this all is.  I said, “Just when I think I’m doing alright, some little thing happens and I end up crying again.”  

My wise son told me, “Just because we still cry, doesn’t mean we aren’t doing alright.”  And he is right.  It’s all part of the work – the work of grief.  And it’s hard.

Hearing His Voice

I have learned and experienced so much since Jim passed away last December. I want to take this opportunity to recount some of it so I don’t forget.

Much of what I lived through during Jim’s death and funeral was a blur, but I do remember the afternoon of the funeral. I was sitting on the couch in our great room with the worst feeling of dread that I had ever felt. I was in shock as I considered all that had just happened over the past week. I was given the news that Jim was gravely ill and had 3-5 days to live. I did my best to love him and care for him as he lay dying. I held his hand and watched him take his last breath. I made funeral arrangements and buried him. It was all so unbelievable and yet, this was my life unfolding before me.

All I could think while I was sitting on that couch was, “What am I going to do now? How are we going to ‘make it?’ and “I don’t want to do life alone!” I told Jim over and over that we would be okay. I assured my sons that we would be okay but that things would be different. I prayed that God would help us. But how would we do this now?

Later that day, Brad called me into the office. He told me he had just heard his Dad’s voice on a voicemail Jim left for Brad on his phone. He forgot he never erased it and had just listened to it and played it again for me to hear. It was bittersweet for him but I was a little envious. I realized I didn’t have Jim’s voice recorded anywhere, and I probably would never hear his voice again. The stabbing feeling of being all alone hit me again.

The next day, I continued to struggle with fear. I didn’t know how the bills would get paid. I didn’t know how I would make all the decisions for our home and family alone. I didn’t think I was smart enough to manage our finances, income tax preparation and other decisions that would need to be made. Would I need to sell the house and downsize right away? How would I be able to sell this house all by myself? What would I do the first time the car didn’t start? Who would I call when I needed help? How would we be able to pay for college for the boys? I wondered what Jim would want me to do. How would he encourage me if he were here? I wanted to talk to him and have him help me with everything I was faced with. But the dread returned as reality hit me in the face. I was alone. Jim was gone.

Then I remembered. I do have Jim’s voice recorded. Not only his voice but the entire video he did for church last March. I had gotten a copy of it from church and posted it on the blog. I just wanted to hear his voice again. I quickly got my computer and pulled up that video. “Fighting Fear.” Oh, how appropriate the title was. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the video and realized that Jim’s eyes were looking straight into mine and he was talking directly to me. How compassionate and loving is my heavenly Father to give me the answer to all my questions through my own husband's voice. This is what I heard:

Five Months Today

Over the last couple of weeks, I have struggled again. Even though I tell God each day I am trusting Him, sometimes it seems like empty words. As the day wears on, I find myself taking back all the fear that goes along with this horrible situation. I wonder about my future, and I so wish I could have my husband back. Of course, I end up in a heap of tears.

As I pondered all of this, I thought of Romans 8:28.  "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."  I wondered how God was going to work this situation for good.

I’ve always thought it was interesting how God’s ways are often different from what we would instinctively think. I’ve called it “Opposite World.” In the book of Matthew, when Jesus talks about returning a blessing for an insult, or loving your enemies, He says, “You think . . . but I tell you this . . .” And it is usually the opposite of what we would instinctively do or think. God's ways are truly different than our ways.  As we learn more about God and spend time with Him, we are able to see how He can work all things together for good.  I have experienced this "opposite world" with my children.  Many might believe that having a child with a disability or chronic illness would be a bad thing, but God can work even those things for good. He uses our weakness to bring Himself glory. So how can He use Jim’s death to bring glory to Himself – especially when all I can see is the pain and loss I am experiencing?

I’ve thought about a couple of blessings that widowhood brings. The first is gratitude. I am so thankful that God gave me the gift of Jim as my husband. I’m thankful that I was married to him for 20 years. I’m thankful for all the help and support I’ve received since his death. I’m thankful for my children who were born out of this marriage. I’m thankful that God promises that He will never leave me or forsake me. And God is teaching me to come to Him with a thankful heart for every circumstance in my life.

Another blessing I've thought about is fortitude. Fortitude is defined as "strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage." Even though losing my husband was unimaginable, it apparently was not impossible. And, even though I thought I could not live without Jim, I’ve found that each morning the sun rises and I crawl out of bed to face another day. Some days have been difficult, without a doubt, but I’ve put one foot in front of the other. I would never have described myself as courageous or someone with fortitude before Jim died. But, because of this situation, I have seen a strength in myself that even I didn’t recognize. It has to be a strength that the Lord has provided. It is answered prayer from each time I prayed begging God for the strength to get through another day.

Another blessing is the opportunity to get to know myself better. I have learned that I will never be the same person I was before Jim died.  From the moment I heard his diagnosis, my life changed.  Experiencing the death of my husband is now a part of who I am. I will always have the history of our marriage and children in my life. My life with Jim and his death are now interwoven into my very being. Now I have the job of discovering who that person is and what God's purpose is for my life.

Today marks the 5-month anniversary of Jim’s death. Five. months. Although I realize that my grieving for him is not over, I am encouraged to see that I can recognize some blessings of being a widow only 5 months after his death. It is good to see that healing is happening.  Our God is indeed so very faithful.

These Are The Words I Would Say

When your spouse dies, there is a mountain of paperwork to take care of. It is a tough time. Not only are you grieving the loss of your husband, but then you are expected to have your wits about you to handle bank accounts, life insurance claims, health insurance, etc. etc. etc.

Once the bank learned that Jim was “deceased,” they froze all our accounts that had Jim’s name on them. I was on my way to the bank to give them the death certificate to be able to have access to my accounts again. These were the days when my grief was so heavy at times it was difficult to function.  Everything was an effort. I often felt like my feet were stuck in the mud. I got in my car and started out for the bank. I came to the first stop sign in our subdivision and stopped.  The situation became overwhelming to me. Without really thinking, I screamed as loud as I could even surprising myself a little. It was unthinkable that my husband was dead – at age 45! This wasn’t supposed to happen! My other friends still had their husbands. I screamed again so hard that my throat hurt. Then the tears came. I cried as I drove. I cried and cried. I wondered once again how I would be able to live life without Jim. As I continued to lament, a song came on the radio and I listened. It was a song I had heard before but never thought much about it.  This time I listened to the words as if Jim were saying them to me. And then more tears began to flow.  But they were tears of amazement at God's love for me. Again, God provided more answers to my questions of how to go on in life without Jim. It amazes me to see how gentle and caring God is with me, to speak to me at a time that I needed to hear from Him the most. These are the words I heard:


Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say If we were face to face
I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths


Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say


Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are
I know cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths


Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say ...


from one simple life to another I will say…
come find peace in the Father
 
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say