Over the last couple of weeks, I have struggled again. Even though I tell God each day I am trusting Him, sometimes it seems like empty words. As the day wears on, I find myself taking back all the fear that goes along with this horrible situation. I wonder about my future, and I so wish I could have my husband back. Of course, I end up in a heap of tears.
As I pondered all of this, I thought of Romans 8:28. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." I wondered how God was going to work this situation for good.
I’ve always thought it was interesting how God’s ways are often different from what we would instinctively think. I’ve called it “Opposite World.” In the book of Matthew, when Jesus talks about returning a blessing for an insult, or loving your enemies, He says, “You think . . . but I tell you this . . .” And it is usually the opposite of what we would instinctively do or think. God's ways are truly different than our ways. As we learn more about God and spend time with Him, we are able to see how He can work all things together for good. I have experienced this "opposite world" with my children. Many might believe that having a child with a disability or chronic illness would be a bad thing, but God can work even those things for good. He uses our weakness to bring Himself glory. So how can He use Jim’s death to bring glory to Himself – especially when all I can see is the pain and loss I am experiencing?
I’ve thought about a couple of blessings that widowhood brings. The first is gratitude. I am so thankful that God gave me the gift of Jim as my husband. I’m thankful that I was married to him for 20 years. I’m thankful for all the help and support I’ve received since his death. I’m thankful for my children who were born out of this marriage. I’m thankful that God promises that He will never leave me or forsake me. And God is teaching me to come to Him with a thankful heart for every circumstance in my life.
Another blessing I've thought about is fortitude. Fortitude is defined as "strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage." Even though losing my husband was unimaginable, it apparently was not impossible. And, even though I thought I could not live without Jim, I’ve found that each morning the sun rises and I crawl out of bed to face another day. Some days have been difficult, without a doubt, but I’ve put one foot in front of the other. I would never have described myself as courageous or someone with fortitude before Jim died. But, because of this situation, I have seen a strength in myself that even I didn’t recognize. It has to be a strength that the Lord has provided. It is answered prayer from each time I prayed begging God for the strength to get through another day.
Another blessing is the opportunity to get to know myself better. I have learned that I will never be the same person I was before Jim died. From the moment I heard his diagnosis, my life changed. Experiencing the death of my husband is now a part of who I am. I will always have the history of our marriage and children in my life. My life with Jim and his death are now interwoven into my very being. Now I have the job of discovering who that person is and what God's purpose is for my life.
Today marks the 5-month anniversary of Jim’s death. Five. months. Although I realize that my grieving for him is not over, I am encouraged to see that I can recognize some blessings of being a widow only 5 months after his death. It is good to see that healing is happening. Our God is indeed so very faithful.
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