My 91-year-old father moved in with me recently and life has taken another turn. In all the busyness of getting him settled, I've neglected this blog. Here are some thoughts I wrote in May about what would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.
I've been warned about those days. The first time you experience important days alone after a loved one dies - the first wedding anniversary, birthday, holiday, etc. I’ve been warned that they can be very painful days without that loved one that used to celebrate with you.
Jim and I got married on May 20, 1989, and I was a little anxious about the anniversary of that day as the calendar neared toward it. I talked with some friends who are also widowed and sought their advice as to how to handle that day. My sons and I prepared for it too. I was hoping to be as proactive as possible to be able to recognize the day and celebrate the memories in a healthy way – but to avoid as much pain as possible.
The night before my anniversary, I dug out the video of our wedding and watched parts of it. It struck me how young we all looked and how happy we were. I remember being so very happy.
We asked Jim’s grandfather to say a prayer at our wedding. He was a career missionary and had been diagnosed with cancer a few months before we married. He was a bit thinner and weaker at the time of our wedding, but was able to pray a prayer that I will never forget. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I heard him pray:
“Almighty God and Heavenly Father, who has united this man and this woman in the holy estate of marriage, grant unto them grace to live therein according Thy holy Word. Strengthen them in constant fidelity and in true affection toward each other. Sustain and defend them against all trials and temptations and help them to pass through this life faithful toward Thee and in loving service to each other. Teach them that marriage is not living merely for each other. It is two uniting and joining hands to serve Thee. Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and the other things be added unto them. May they not expect perfection of each other; that belongs only to Thee, Father. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s points of comeliness and strengths and see each other through a lover’s kind of patient eyes. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurt to keep them humane, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine, enough success to make them sure they walk with Thee. May they never take each other’s love for granted but always express with a breathless wonder that exclaims that, out of all this world, you have chosen me. When life is done, the sun is setting, may they be found then, as now, still hand in hand, still thanking God for each other. May they serve thee happily, faithfully together until at last one shall lay the other into the arms of God.
This we ask in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen.”
Twenty years later, as Jim laid in that hospital room dying, we were then as we were on our wedding day, hand in hand, with me expressing my love to Jim and thanking God for him. We served God faithfully together as I laid my beloved husband into the arms of God.
As I reflect on this prayer and my life with Jim, I can see how God answered it in so many ways. How precious our time was together through 20 years of marriage!
On the day of my anniversary, my sons decided we should celebrate by meeting for dinner. So, we drove halfway between here and Bethel College where my oldest, Brad, attends college. We enjoyed dinner together, and as we were leaving the restaurant, Brad asked me to walk him to his car. I was surprised to tears as he pulled out a dozen red roses and gave them to me. His sensitivity to me on that day was so sweet to me. The boys and I hugged each other outside of that restaurant and talked about how much we missed their Dad. We shed more tears, of course, but they were healing tears. I can’t help but imagine how proud Jim would be of his sons and the way they are caring for me. I am so blessed.
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