Remember?

Jim,


Nineteen years ago today. Hard to believe it has been that long since our baby Brad was born. Remember how excited we were to have our first baby? Remember celebrating the good news that we were pregnant with our families? Remember how hot it was that June in 1991 when we only had air conditioning in our bedroom and I was so pregnant we thought I would burst? Remember how I went into labor but didn’t realize it was labor at first? Remember me talking to my sister and telling her that every so often I would have a moment that took me a minute to get my breath back, and she told me that she thought it might be labor? Remember your meeting being interrupted by your assistant when she told you that you needed to go home because your wife was in labor? Remember having to drive an hour to get home and stopping a police car and asking for an escort to get home quicker? (True story.) I remember your explanation to me that EMS would be coming to the house to check on me because the police officer explained that police escorts were only on T.V. but they could call EMS to come to the house to assist me. I remember being embarrassed to explain to the neighbors that I was all right but you were a little nervous when they asked why the EMS truck was at our house – and yes, with flashing lights. It was 14 long hours of labor before Brad was born.


I remember you being the best labor coach ever. I remember you helping me find a focal point for me to concentrate on when I went through the hard labor pains. I remember you didn’t want to go into the delivery room – that you wished you could have lived during the times when the Dads stayed in the waiting room. I never understood that and I even told the doctor that you wanted to cut the umbilical cord when that was probably the last thing you wanted to do. And remember? You did it for me. Remember the sheer joy we felt to have this baby boy and to be parents? Remember understanding better the love our heavenly Father has for us because of the immense love we felt for this child?


We looked at Brad and asked who he looked like more – you or me. We both agreed he had your nose and facial features, but I was certain his ears resembled mine. You said, “Maybe his ear lobes look like yours but the tops of his ears are just like mine!” I disagreed and our friend from church looked at us both as if we were crazy and said “Seriously?” in disbelief that we had analyzed every feature this child had.


I do remember telling you that I felt like I was just the vessel that carried your child because he looked so much like you. Just a couple weeks ago, I received a card in my mailbox at church from a dear friend who misses you. He described talking to Brad a week or so earlier and seeing a response from Brad that took his breath away for a moment because Brad’s gesture reminded him so much of you. He was happy that your legacy lives on through your son. What a sweet blessing for me as well to see you shining through when I look at Brad and talk to him. He reminds me so much of you at times. He thinks the same way you did and certainly has that same “calculator brain” that you had. What a gift from God, now that you are gone, for me to see glimpses of you in my son.

Jim, words can’t explain how much I miss you. I would give anything to have you back beside me again, doing life together and raising our boys. There are days my heart aches so much for you and I am fearful of what the future holds for me without you. It’s then that I remember what you always told me, “Don’t borrow trouble.” I also remember your words from the video you made for our church family, “The best way to face your fear is to trust God. You don’t know all the answers; you don’t even know all the questions. God knows what the answers are.”

And so I honor you by thanking God for my circumstances even when I don’t understand it all and trust Him for my future. And I pray for Brad, Steven and Kyle as they move forward in life without you.


I love you forever,


Marilyn

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