As I sense the season of fall in the air with the leaves beginning to turn color and the cooler nights, I can’t help of think of where we were a year ago or even two years ago. It was September 29th that we were told the horrible news of Jim’s diagnosis two years ago. I remember my knees going weak and grabbing the counter to steady myself as I heard him say the word “leukemia.” And this time last year, we heard the word “relapse.” And we cried for days. It was so very painful and still is. They say “time heals all wounds.” It’s going to take a lot of time for this to heal. It’s been almost 10 months and it still hurts. I suppose the wound is scabbing over some but each time I feel this emptiness in my heart, the wound is reopened and hurts again. Then on September 30 last year, Jim suffered a seizure. It was a very scary day for us and one I will never forget.
Over the last few weeks or so, I have been nervous about these upcoming dates as I have been warned how painful it is to relive these things a year later. I’ve been looking for a way to manage the feelings that I was having and the memories that this season brings. Then I remembered a suggestion a precious friend told me shortly after Jim’s passing. Count your blessings. It was something I did many times before in my life when I faced difficulties. I remember being very diligent to write down three blessings every day for months after we received Kyle’s diagnosis of Down syndrome. It was a wonderful way to reframe my thinking. Instead of dwelling on the difficulties that this life brings, I dwell on the blessings that God gives. He is so faithful. So on Wednesday and Thursday (the 29th and 30th), each time a difficult memory of battling leukemia would arise, I would give that memory some space in my mind but then also pair it with thinking about a blessing from God. I found as I went throughout those days, I was identifying more and more blessings and the difficulties began to fade as I sensed God’s tender kindness and love for me. Out of everything those days brought, there are three things I experienced that I’d like to share.
First, even though I have repeatedly said that I am trusting God with this season in my life without Jim, somehow the fear of what my future may hold keeps creeping back into my heart. Daily I have to give it back to God and rest in Him. Joshua 1:5 was comforting to me. The New American Standard version translates it like this: “Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.” I love the words, “I WILL NOT FAIL YOU.” God reminds me again and again how faithful He is. Even after He has proven it to me in my past circumstances, He again makes it so very clear in his word that it seems to jump off the page and into my heart. I also read a devotional entitled “Jesus Calling.” It’s by Sarah Young and is written as if Jesus were speaking. The entry for September 30 says:
“I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. That is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise. You need not fear the future, for I am already there. When you make that quantum leap into eternity, you will find Me awaiting you in heaven. Your future is in My hands; I release it to you day by day, moment by moment. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.”
What a comfort for me to know that because God is eternal, He is past, present and future all in one. When I wonder or worry about my future, I am comforted to know that He is already there taking care of it. How thankful I am that He releases my future to me day by day and all I need to do is live each present day to the fullest. What an awesome God He is.
As my day went on, I heard a song on the radio that I had never heard before. I love it when the song speaks directly to me. I count it as a gift from God and it happened again with this song. It’s an upbeat encouraging song called “Hold On” by Toby Mac. I felt as if it were written for me. You can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gfUs_8bgMQ
Finally, I decided to take an online photography class. It is an inspirational class that gives prompts for each day of October to celebrate the season of fall. Fall has been a favorite season of mine and I've decided that instead of allowing the season to remind me of difficult times, I will treasure the blessings and beauty of fall each day during the month of October.
Here’s to celebrating fall:
